I’m not Kelly McGillis…

… and you’re definitely not Tom Cruise.

When I worked for the Navy as a paints & coatings expert, I regularly taught a class on lead-based paint management. Occasionally, it would be a free-standing course, but most of the time, I was a guest speaker as part of a larger course on paints & coatings or environmental topics.

Teaching the painters and maintenance workers was never an issue. Even though most did not have anything higher than a high school education (if that) and were not the most sophisticated of people, they always listened attentively to what I had to say and were there to learn. But teaching the military officers was a whole other matter and the first time I taught the lead-paint class to a group of officers, I was totally caught off guard.

One of the possible effects of lead-poisoning is impotence. Now, I didn’t go into it in detail in my presentation, buy merely included it in a long inventory of potential health risks. And when I rattled off my list (which also included numerous neurological problems, such as brain damage) and got to “impotence”, two Lieutenant Commanders in the back row of the classroom started giggling. Then commenting to those sitting around them. Then laughing. These were not two young officers just out of school – they both had been in the Navy for at least ten years or so.

And I was totally unprepared for their response (the most noticeable reaction when I mentioned “impotence” to the blue collar workers was that they would suddenly get very interested in their course outline), so I ignored Lieutenant Commander Snickerer #1 and Lieutenant Commander Snickerer #2 figuring they’d stop momentarily. Well, they didn’t. I was already on to sources of lead exposure and they were still being disruptive.

At that point, a Marine Corps Lieutenant Colonel stood up, spun around and told them to shut up, he was there to learn and they were wasting his time. While the unexpected assistance was certainly appreciated, I was determined that I would take care of it on my own if it ever happened again. So I went back to my office that afternoon determined to think up an appropriate plan of action and the next time I taught the course to a room full of military officers, I was ready.

What I had hoped most of all was that the first incident had been a fluke and it would not occur again. But no. Same course, same classroom, a different collection of Navy officers… I said the word “impotence” and a guy in the front row started snickering and poking his buddy. Sheesh.

So I put on my most pitying facial expression and, in a concerned tone, asked him if he was experiencing impotence problems and suggested that perhaps he should have his blood lead levels tested.

That was all I had to say. The class erupted into laughter, Lieutenant Smart-Ass turned bright red and no one gave me any lip for the rest of my lecture. Order was restored.